


Perfect

by Tshilaba



Category: Ao no Exorcist | Blue Exorcist
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-28
Updated: 2015-11-28
Packaged: 2018-05-03 19:12:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 779
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5303375
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tshilaba/pseuds/Tshilaba
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I'm not perfect, but I keep trying. Because that's what I promised you in the beginning.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Perfect

_It feels like I'm falling. And the worst part is, there's no one there to catch me. Because it feels like you're so far away. It doesn't matter that you're standing right in front of me. That connection we once had...do you remember it, Aniue? We always seemed to know when something was wrong...could always understand each other. Now...now it feels like you're just another I've met. It doesn't even feel like I know you. I remember everything. All of it. But now it's blurry..._  
  
  
I smile, but on the inside, I think dying might have been less painful. But, I want you happy. So...if you're happy with the way things are, then I'll be too. On the outside, at least. On the inside, it's eating me alive. I want to reach out and cling to you. Just to put my arms around you and bury my face into your chest. For you to hold me close like you're scared that you'll lose me. Just like old times. But I know that's not going to happen. You've made up your mind. And, as always, I'll just agree and never speak what I really want.  
  
You say you're an emotional masochist, but I hurt when you do. Unless you're a sadist as well, that has to bother you. But it doesn't seem to. So I push the pain away and smile as you say you still love me and you're grateful I've stuck by you. But it's not the love I want, you say. That's not right. Everything I agreed to was for you. Every moment of it. Could it...could it be that you didn't really want it either? That we just wanted each other to be happy so we decided that's what the other wanted? I think it, but I don't say it. Because you said at one point that you really did want it, so I can't be right. It doesn't matter anyway. All that matters is you being happy. Even if I have to be destroyed for that to happen...  
  
Days pass; you seem to be getting more annoyed with me. I'm too clingy, you say. But it confuses me. That's how I've always been; it's never seemed to bother you before. Unless one counted the times you tried to convince yourself that you didn't love me like that. But that's crazy, so I stop thinking about it. It doesn't matter. If it makes you happy, I'll stay at arm's length. Physically and emotionally. It's the only way I can keep from hurting you, from making you pull away. I have to lock my emotions away; but each day it destroys me more. When you're not around, I can let myself fall apart. You've only caught me once. I don't think I've been more embarrassed in my life to hear you ask me why I was crying. Because I couldn't tell you why. So I just shook my head and pretended that I'd seen a really sad movie and had to turn the television off. You believed me; I feel bad for lying, but to tell you the real reason would be worse.  
  
Maybe you like being alone, but I can't stand it. It makes me feel dead inside. Like I shouldn't be living any longer. You're the only one that fixes it though. Maybe we'll never reach a compromise here. Though, in truth, I'm completely at ease just knowing that you're in the same room. It's not what I want most. What I want most is to be able to hear your heartbeat. To know you're _real_. That makes me crazy, doesn't it? Of course you're real. I should know this. But still...to have reconfirmation every so often wouldn't hurt at all...  
  
I'm not perfect. They say that no one is. But I don't believe them. Because you're perfect to me. Even when you cuss me out, strike me, or anything else. You're still perfect to me. You always will be.  
  
I'm _not_ perfect. But I keep trying. Trying to be what you want me to be. Trying to be perfect for you. To make you happy. In whatever way I can. That's why I can't help but wonder. Was it something I said that changed your mind? That caused you to pull away? Or was it just my personality?  
  
I'm not perfect, but I keep trying. Because that's what I promised you from the beginning. I'll keep trying. Trying to keep you happy, to the best of my capabilities.  
  
I'm not alive if I'm alone. So please...don't leave. Was it something I said, or is it just... _me_?


End file.
